This week I thought I’d keep a log of the spam emails I received over the space of 7 days. Obviously I didn’t open any of them or I suspect my bank account would have emptied faster than my brain after a swift gin and everyone in my address book would have been informed of this.

I don’t really know how spam works – is it sent randomly to everyone, is it gender specific, does it look at your searches?

I’ve actually decided it is, for the most part, gender specific which when you have a first name like mine, can cause confusion and much hilarity.

What on earth am I talking about you may ask? Well, try living with the name Sian all your life. You will end up getting used to being called Sean most of the time but also Syan, Siobhan, even Charlotte and Michelle (I have no idea how people got to those two). And, for god’s sake, don’t date a Sean – it will never work.

Those who struggle with my name the most seem to be the Australians and the Irish. I have in the past been accused of hiding a man in my hostel room by an Australian (and to be honest I was but he wasn’t called Sean, or even Bruce for that matter) and my dear Irish friend, Louis has, after a number of valiant attempts, given up altogether and now calls me a nickname derived of half my first name and half my surname. I even remember, as a wee girl, being presented with a prize at school and again being called Sean – I was so traumatised I pulled my skirt between my legs to look like trousers so that the other kids wouldn’t realise I was a girl. I guess that might explain why I don’t ever wear skirts even now.

Anyway, I digress. So far this week I have won £1m, been invited for a cosy night in with Andrea/Helena/Irina, been offered dinner with Queen Yu, been invited to view Jennifer’s webcam and had the opportunity to increase the volume of my ejaculation as well as the size of the equipment used for the aforementioned ejaculation. And if I find myself continually fascinated by my newly enlarged appendage, and the myths are true, then I also have the opportunity to repair my eyesight and have laser eye surgery during my lunch break.

You know what, I might take up all of these offers – it’ll make for one hell of a Christmas!

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